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Vladimir Putin Accused Of Being An Alien From Planet RU-thless84

Vladimir Putin

As relations between Russia and the West grow increasingly chilly, U.S. officials have revealed that Vladimir Putin is an alien from a cold and distant planet.

The Russian leader visits planet RU-thless84 on occasions, where it is rumored he stores his loot from his strong-arm tactics on earth.

Putin is reported to have accumulated tens of billions of dollars at his home planet, that is thought to have an extremely cold atmosphere and contain an ocean of fossilized life forms under its frozen surface.

Journalitico reports: Putin Is Secretly an Alien, US Official Reveals

Russian President Vladimir Putin is secretly an alien and does not possess any human qualities, a US official has warned.

“We’ve known for some time now that Mr. Putin is an extraterrestrial. We’re convinced it explains his erratic behavior and reluctance to integrate himself and Russia into the international community,” the unnamed official told the BBC’s Panorama program.

The worrying warning is not the first of its kind. Putin has regularly been accused of hiding the truth about himself from the world, although this is the first time a US official has directly accused the Russian strongman of being an alien.

The Panorama report also confirmed that when Putin disappeared for a week last year, he had in fact been visiting his home planet, RU-thless84.

Little information is known about the mysterious birthplace of the Russian president, but the official could confirm that the conditions — thought to be at least ten times colder than earth — would make it uninhabitable for regular humans. Although some Russians would probably manage, he said.

Asked whether this could be where Putin hides his secret billions, the official said that US authorities have been looking into it and preliminary findings suggest the planet to be the most likely location for the president’s money.

“Look, we haven’t been able to confirm he has that €40 billion here on earth, but that doesn’t mean anything. An uninhabitable planet would be the perfect hiding place.”

A number of Russian liberals and opposition figures confirmed the details of the bombshell BBC report.

“It’s time for regime change in Russia,” said one member of girl band Skank Revolution. “I don’t want to live under the new Hitler anymore. It’s preventing us from moving forward into our Western future, where we can finally become a carbon copy of the United States. Deep down this is what all Russians truly want. I call on the world to boycott my beloved country for the good of the people,” she said.

Until now, US officials had believed that Putin’s personal secrets were less other-worldly. Most believed he was secretly married to a former Olympic gymnast and the father of at least two of her secret children. It was also rumored that the Russian president was hiding various forms of cancer and seeking therapy for his Asperger’s syndrome.

“This new information really paints a different picture for us. It’s a game changer,” the official explained.Vladimir Putin

Queried over whether the White House has any plans to put boots on the ground on Putin’s planet, however, he was reticent.

“You know, I’m not going to comment on that. What I will say is that we’d have to be careful if we did. The whole thing could be a trap. It’s not like bombing Iraq or Syria or something. That stuff’s a piece of cake. But in this case, we just don’t know what we’d be dealing with,” he said.

“Frankly, we knew this guy was evil to the core already, but we’re looking at a whole new ball game now. It could be worse than we’ve ever imagined,” he added.

The bombshell revelations come as relations between Russia and the West continue to nosedive. The Kremlin has declined to comment on the shocking report.

Correction: An earlier version of this report stated that there was sufficient evidence to back up these claims. That, in fact, appears to be untrue.

By Danielle Ryan

 

Edmondo Burr

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