Who The F*ck Are These New People In Government?


Most people in the UK are wondering what is happening to the government.

Who are all these new ministers and prime ministers darting in and out of No. 10 Downing street?

What happened to David Cameron?

Where did they come from? Who are they? What do they want? Who do they represent? Should we fear them or respect them?

Huffington Post’s Paddy Duffy gives the rundown on UK’s first post-Thunderdome cabinet to allay fears.

government Huffington Post Politics reports:

Prime Minister: Theresa May.

The most senior spy in an episode of Spooks whose only weakness is shown in flashback form: a handsome student who betrayed her – and the country – by defecting to the Russians.

Foreign Secretary: Boris Johnson.

When Barry Scott announced he was leaving Cillit Bang I thought the smart money was on him going to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, but it seems they’ve gone rather more left field.

Chancellor: Phil Hammond.

The sort of man you’d want living next door to feed your cat on holiday. He’d probably even give your hedge a trim.

International Trade: Liam Fox.

The Michael Bay of cabinet. Will require writing “Taking mates on govt business = bad“ in permanent marker on his hand to succeed.

Brexit: David Davis.

The real foreign minister while Boris travels the world throwing pies. Will probably resign on a point of principle at some point, but at least he has some.

Home Office: Amber Rudd.

Will combine her previous knowledge as Secretary of State for Energy to her new law and order brief by strapping prisoners to offshore windfarms.

Justice: Liz Truss.

The ability to say her name five times in a row without stumbling now a key method used by police in determining drunk drivers, Truss replaces Clappy McGee, despite early suggestions that the post would go to the much more experienced Lemar.

Defence: Michael Fallon.

The second most senior spy in Spooks, who holds a little candle for the boss, and feels a pang of sandess when he knows she’s thinking about the man now known as Dmitri.

Education: Justine Greening.

Perhaps the third most likeable Tory after Ken Clarke and Ruth Davidson, Greening replaces the perma-startled Nicky Morgan and becomes the first Conservative Education Secretary with a comprehensive education, which is pretty bloody depressing.

Transport: Chris Grayling.

One of the most senior Leave advocates at cabinet, with any luck Grayling will get as tough on the disastrous Southern Railways as he did on gay people who like a cooked breakfast on a weekend away.

Culture: Karen Bradley.

Not to be confused with the illustrator who recently released a bearded men’s colouring book, Bradley follows in the footsteps of Maria Miller, who resigned under a pall of vague scandal, and John Whittingdale, who was phased out under a pall of vague scandal. Good luck, Karen!

Environment: Andrea Leadsom.

A Midsomer Murders culprit who did it “for the good of the community”, as a mother Leadsom knows and cares about the future, hence why this is a perfect post for her. So much so, she’s considering changing her name to Andrea Hybridsom.

Work and Pensions: Damian Green.

The former immigration minister replaces Stephen Crabb, who resigned to spend more time with his WhatsApp account.

International Development: Priti Patel.

Best known for saying something daft about curry chefs during the referendum, Patel didn’t even want her department to exists a few years ago. If she still does, it’s certainly a novel way of bringing it down, but I have every faith in her.

Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Greg Clark.

The former Communities Secretary has been given this amalgamation of two former departments. Climate Change has gone missing from the title, but it’s not like that’s a priority now that Boris will almost certainly prompt someone to strike a nuke at us long before the polar ice caps melt.

Communities: Sajid Javid.

A potential leader of the future, as well as Communities Javid will also oversee Chances, Get Out of Jail Free Cards and Free Parking.

Leader of the House of Lords: Baroness Evans.

Incredibly, this is still a thing.

Health: Jeremy Hunt.

Incredibly, he too is still a thing.

Northern Ireland: James Brokenshire.

A Brokenshire for an increasingly unstable province.

Scotland: David Mundell.

The only man for the job. No seriously, have a look at the constituency map of Scotland.

Wales: Magikarp.

Originally meant to be Alun Cairns, Theresa May caught this while playing Pokemon Go outside the Welsh Office and decided to go with it. Hotly tipped to become Gyarados after the next election.

About Edmondo Burr (2671 Articles)
BA Economics/Statistics CEO Assistant Editor